I sometimes google funny stuff out of boredom and I am amazed how full of crap internet can be. The articles I found on how to please a Capricorn woman scared me at such level that I am determined to never ever answer the question “what’s your sign, love?”
Let me give some Capricornian feedback to some of the advice I have found on the internets:
This website preaches the classy, sort of geeky approach:
Art museums are a great first date option for a Capricorn woman. Intelligence is one of her biggest turn-ons.
Okay. I admit. I once dated a guy only because I didn’t understand a thing from his CV. And I love museums with all my heart. But at the end of the day, I am not that much into mental orgasms. These I can have on my own.
I remember how once I turned down a guy asking me out to Tate Modern for a first date and accepted another guy’s invitation, to the Wicked musical. The guy with the museum was an economics professor. The guy with the musical was in IT. Both very boring jobs, as far as I was concerned. But the guy with the musical was taller. And that was decisive. I try not to make my life more complicated than it already is.
Here we finally encounter some nasty advice.
The knees are something that this particular sign absolutely loves. They like their knees caressed, like them touched, like them rubbed. If you want to get anything out of the best sex tips for a Capricorn, you’ve got to give a try to touching their knees! Just a light brush can drive them completely insane!
Ok, I’ll be back in a bit…
Hmmm…I am back…I took a moment and did some of this stuff to my knees but nothing happened. I am pretty sure my knees are senseless. The only sensitive knees I reckon they were in Ally McBeal. There was a guy there, making all women orgasm by doing their knees. To all my future boyfriends: stay away from my knees, for God’s sake! (and yours).
Another great thing about a Capricorn is that they aren’t scared to experiment. If you’ve been dying to pull out the handcuffs and pull a bit of Fifty Shades out behind closed doors, they are fine with it! They actually love bondage and BDSM – just a little bit of course. They don’t want to get too rough, but a little is perfect!
First and last time I heard of BDSM was last week. I was talking with a girl friend and a male friend (ex boyfriend) and the girl mentioned this. I was all confused and asked her to explain me. The ex excused me by saying: She never tried it. To which I promptly replied: I never tried it with you! You don’t know what I did before and after! And then we all laughed at the very thought innocent Lavinia would do something actually dirty (I am making this up now. We laughed at something else, I forget what).
Back to the quote above, here is how I see it. I could probably deal with a pair of handcuffs but in the name of all gods out there, if you even mention Fifty Shades, you are out of my life, my phone book and I block you on Facebook, I swear! I try hard to pretend this book was never written, hence never made into a movie. Please don’t ruin my fantasy.
They also love secrets. It could be secret spots all the way to swapping secret fetishes behind closed doors. They want to get under your skin, they want you to know everything about them and they want to connect with you on a deep level. Keep that in mind whenever you are behind closed doors!
No. No. No. I am no Mata Hari. I want sex. I don’t want secrets. I have my own.
A Capricorn is not someone that is going to not think about where they are having sex, so remember, the atmosphere is something that matters. Clean sheets, candles and a little romance to make the place look amazing can truly work wonders and can really get you exactly what you want! Who doesn’t love that?
Clean sheets, please. Thank you. And I think this just common sense not erotic. I have a complicated relationship with candles. I only like them in winter and not for too long. I was dragged to many Romanian funerals as a child. Even the scented candles end up reminding me of a funeral. Romanian funerals are horrid. I don’t want to remember them.
Here is the cherry on top. I saved the best for last! Wohoo!
Please note the exhaustive chart created by the scientists after duly researching for two years how to sexually please a Capricorn.
Lick or kiss her behind her knees. Lightly graze the area behind her knees with your fingers
Not the knees again, please, people!
Use this Restraints – Fantasy bondage tape (Black) and give her a full body massage with this Sex oil – Sensual massage oil (soaring spirit).
At least the book which shall not be mentioned was not mentioned. I am game with the massage but I’ll be fast asleep afterwards, I hope that’s okay.
Add on some Nipple clamp – Tweezer clamps.
Unless you want them used on your unmentionables, DON’T EVEN BRING THEM ONSITE.
Let her drink the most healthy aphrodisiac cocktail a week long: blend watermelon with avocados or, if you can’t find any watermelon, blend oranges with avocados.
Add some meat to that and we can call it supper. I love myself a good supper.
To sum up, take this from a Capricorn: if you wanna please a woman, any woman, don’t google it, dude! It’s not an Agatha Christie mystery novel! It’s just a woman. You can do it!