I would have liked my comeback article to be about me but I had a sudden change of heart. Somehow, I found out that The Londoner was in the Daily Mail today. When I say “somehow” I mean “by mistake” because I don’t read things like Daily Mail. It is poor journalism and it makes me mad. Speaking about poor journalism, The Londoner was presented as this extremely committed blogger, that writes every single day (ahem!) and discloses all her freebies (ahem!). Why poor journalism? Because they didn’t check the facts. A five minutes stroll around her blog would have settled the things straight. Like not only she doesn’t blog daily (which is fine but don’t claim you are doing it) but she also blogs late. She covered LFW two weeks later and it was mostly about her (why God, why?).
Anyways, now that I am convinced Daily Mail is exactly what I thought it was, let me tell you about 9 (nine) things Rosie does and you should never do (I had this in drafts for quite a while, thought it’s a good moment to bring some sense into the heads of Rosie’s teen fans).
1. Getting naked all the fuckin’ time. Listen up, people. There is a time and a place to get naked. You get naked in the privacy of your own home, at a nude beach, when you have sex (that’s optional), in the shower (that’s not optional) etc. Nobody has to put up with your naked bum or worse, vagina, because you are “a free spirit”. One example, the vacation in Switzerland, where she appalled the entire group with her nudity (the rest of the people kept their clothes on, apparently). Please be a free spirit on your own time.
2. Posting all your naked pictures on all social media outlets. Do I really have to explain this? Breaking news, internet never forgets. Rosie does it, but pretty please, Rosie’s fans, restrain yourself from doing it as well. I don’t know about Rosie’s future plans but I am sure most of you might want to have a serious job at one point, a partner that respects you, children that will look up to you. Naked pictures all over the internet won’t help you. Like I said at number 1, there is a time and a place for being naked. Being naked all the time and all over the place doesn’t make you look desirable. Makes you look desperate for attention and ridiculous.
3. Drinking more alcohol than water. I can resume a healthy life style in two numbers: 5 (fruits and veggies a day) and 2 (liters of water a day). Alcohol is nice but being sober every now and then is also nice. Rosie has drinks in the morning, at lunch, on the train, on the plane, at her five o’clock tea, at supper, at pudding, after supper etc. NO. Just NO.
4. Eat 50 burgers a week and 1000 puddings. Or pretend you are eating all that.
5. Calling food slutty, naughty, guilty etc. Please don’t have a relationship with food! Especially not a sexual one! Eat to live, don’t live to eat.
5. Not exercise. Or pretend not to exercise. (The thing Rosie does on the grass in her video is not exercising. That was mainly made to show off legs/boobs/bum). Remember: if it doesn’t make you sweat is not exercising.
6. Publishing the love notes from your “chap” on social media. Keep stuff for yourselves, girls. Some things are yours and yours only. Cherish them in private. They will lose meaning if shared with strangers. I know you want people to envy you that you have the best boyfriend ever…but why?
7. Read fashion magazines all day every day. I am not saying you shouldn’t read fashion magazines. I am saying you shouldn’t read ONLY fashion magazines. Don’t you want some wit and brains under that perfectly styled hair of yours? Grab a book then.
8. Have a master-slave relationship with your girlfriends. It’s disturbing and gross. Why would you want someone following you around like a puppy and do whatever you want? How insecure are you to need this kind of sick confirmation? (If you need people looking up to you as if you are a goddess or something, please seek professional help).
9. Pretend you didn’t get a boob job when you obviously did. Let me get this straight: it is absolutely fine to do whatever you want with your body. It is absolutely fine to refuse to give details about it to random people. It is absolutely WRONG to claim you were born like that, especially when your crowd of fans consist in a bunch of teen girls and especially when you make a living out of these teen girls. They pay your bills and you cause them body image issues. Not fair.
P.S. A basic rule for when you get dressed to go out: if legs on display, cover breast; if breast on display, cover legs. Unless you wanna look like you are paid by the hour, of course.