Last week I was walking the Piazza del Popolo, you know, the center of Rome, when I realized I am very close to the border of Vatican, the country that you rule. So I thought I can visit two countries in one day, like that time when I went to Costa del Sol in Spain and one day I went to Gibraltar and the other day I went to Tanger, which is even cooler than Vatican because Morocco is on a total different continent also, so I could say that in two days I visited three countries and two continents.
It was so awesome that after twenty minutes of walking, I got from the center of Rome to the center of Vatican and I think you are such a great dude, not to have customs officers to check our passports and luggage. I swear, I almost thought Vatican is a fake country you invented so that you can do whatever you want and not pay taxes to Italy!
But you have policemen! Ok, they were cute and all and they smiled to the camera when I said: “Say cheese, guys!” but I don’t understand! Why do you need policemen again? Don’t you have undivided attention from almighty God, hence divine protection for you and for the country which I am positive he totally approved and blessed? Or these policemen, so handsome that they can model for Calvin Klein underwear, are the tools of god? Because, in this case, let me tell you, god has such great taste in men, that he is either gay or a woman.
Anyway, I really wanted to go inside that big church in Piazza San Pietro, but I am not the kind of girl that queues for hours to enter a church. There are plenty of churches in Rome, also big, where you can enter whenever you want, chat with the saints, check out on the handsome, virgin (LMAO) Catholic priests, have some sexual fantasies with them, check in on your Facebook to look like a good girl and leave. Which reminds me: if churches provided free wi-fi in Rome, they would have way more people coming over, trust me!
Then I wanted to visit the museum, but really, Pope? Fifteen euros entrance fee? I mean, don’t you sit on a pile of money already? You charge fifteen euros for god’s museum? Do you pay commission to god? Protection? Why do I have to pay to get closer to god? I understand people must pay for prostitutes and booze and drugs but for god also? Not to mention, it is more expensive than any museum in Rome! Why don’t you take example from British Museum in London? Everything they have there was stolen from all over the world. If they charged entrance fee, it would be like stealing some more. They figured this out so they ask visitors to donate, if they WANT and CAN. How about this marketing strategy for a change, if you really want us to believe god loves us all. Because from where I was standing, god loved only the ones that had at least fifteen euros in their pockets.
And by the way, how come you are so fucking rich and millions of Catholics are starving? How come you afford to spend millions to travel to Latin America and how come you allowed Mexicans to spend even more millions to build you a designer altar? Don’t you know how poor those people are? Don’t you know some Mexican villages don’t even have water? How come you didn’t tell them: “Hey guys, thank you for the altar you want to build for me, but it is really not necessary, why don’t you build some houses for the poor instead? Can’t you brain wash people from a regular stage? And why do you need such a large crew when you travel? Who are you? Madonna on world tour? And I mean the singer, not the virgin girl, the mother of the main character in Vaticanțs bestseller, “The New Testament”. Which reminds me, none of the ghost writers that worked on the bible, didn’t say a thing about the dinosaurs. Dude, people really dig dinosaurs. You should “accidently” find somewhere in a cave a “lost part of the bible” that talks about divine dinosaurs or you will soon be screwed. Honestly. Such great progress is made regarding dinosaurs, that you have no chance to keep your shit together and get away with that stupid thing that god put the bones in the ground to test our belief. Come on, now.
Later that day, I kind of panicked when I wanted to pee. Usually, in Rome, if I wanted to pee, I would look for a McDonald’s, because public toilets are so scarce. So I developed this reflex: pee – McDonald’s. Of course there is no McDonald’s in Vatican, you wouldn’t allow such competition, what the hell was I thinking? Because, what else is McDonald’s, this worldwide business that sells large amounts of crap for lots of money, but competition for you?
Lucky me, I managed to find a public toilet in your country and when I asked the lady supervisor how much was it (I would never expect something coming from you to be free) she said: “Pee is free!” Holly shit! Does this mean, literally, that only pee is for free? I didn’t dare to ask, I wasn’t in the position to push it, you know. When a girl gots to go, she gots to go.
I left Vatican kind of puzzled. Too many things don’t make sense: you are greedy, you are a big spender and live in luxury, like you are Jay Z or something (I truly hope I won’t get to see you at MTV Cribs, god forbid that), you don’t help the poor, you don’t approve gay marriage and you don’t approve Catholic priests to marry women and have sex the old fashioned way, yet you protect all the dirty priests that abuse children, I mean, you just move them from one church to another, which is like feeding them fresh meat, seriously. But you admitted there is life in Universe, not only on Earth and you even had a conference about it, together with the Vatican’s Chief Astronomer. Why do you need an astronomer to study the sky? I thought you told us to believe heaven is there. You don’t believe what you say? It is ok, neither do we. Don’t tell me you are afraid that aliens will finally come and finish your multibillion business, based on this freak show book called The Bible? I think you know something and you have a deal with NASA and you pay them big bucks to let you say about the first alien that sets foot on Earth that he is Jesus so that you keep your business going and maybe even write a sequel to that holly book of yours. I bet you even try to get Oprah into talking to people about it, as you know she started to have more influence on dumb people than you have. I see what you are doing here! Poor you! I am sure you miss the good old times when everyone was so afraid of church and of Pope and everybody did everything Pope wanted. Good times for other Popes. You are kind of walking on thin ice nowadays. So sorry for you!
Oh, Pope, Pope. I am writing and blushing when remembering the dirty thoughts I had. I must come clean about it, you know, to take it off my chest. The thing is, I kept checking out the Franciscan monks, they are so fucking sexy, barefoot and with those ropes tied around their waists! So sauvage, so Neanderthal–like, my god! And I was thinking, how cool it would be to get one of them to bed, you know, just to spite you. And after that, to go under your balcony and yell: “In your face, dude!” That would be so much fun. But don’t mind me! According to your standards, I go to hell in every religion. Which brings up the next question: is hell underground? Do you have a chief geologist also, to study this matter, or you receive daily news from the other popes, already permanent residents in hell? Either way, have a good one, Pope! Time to pray! I mean for you, because I go have a beer.