Almost every night, before falling asleep, I am watching some Ally McBeal, and every time I am watching it, I am wondering why the hell I find Robert Downey Jr. so damn hot. But then, my taste in men is rather eclectic.
For example, I heart Brad Pitt. I can watch anything that has Brad Pitt in it. I mean, I watched The Tree of Life and left the theater only once, to actually pee. I swear I wasn’t faking it. I didn’t even fall completely asleep during the movie, and it lasted for like an eternity and a half.
Of course, I am into Banderas and Clooney too, who isn’t? But my ultimate sexual fantasy with a celebrity is with Enrique Iglesias. Basically, Enrique is not my type. Ok, he is tall, I like tall. But he is rather skinny and I am not into skinny. I don’t know what I like about him, the way he looks at his partners in his videos as if they are the only women in the universe, maybe. I totally dig how he always suffers in his videos, even though in real life I like men to man up and not be beaten up all the time or cry like little girls each time their heart is broken. It is a weird attraction and I would absolutely fuck him on his dad’s music. This is my fantasy. To fuck Enrique Iglesias on Julio Iglesias’ music, preferably on the song called “Que no se rompa la noche”. Or on any other song. All his father’s songs are good for sexual intercourse, in my humble opinion.
In fact, this is the only reason why I wanna get famous, to have a one night stand with Enrique. Oh, also to be invited at Ellen Show. I promise I won’t tell about the one night stand with Enrique, I would just enjoy Ellen making fun of me. This would be so awesome! This is all I want from life. This is my bucket list, here, I said it!
But let me tell you how I almost spent a night with Enrique. So, Enrique was about to have a concert in Romania. I planned with a girlfriend to go see him. She is very pretentious. I mean she was, I totally lost touch with her in the meantime. This was like ten years ago or so.
One day, while planning the details, I started joking around:
Lavinika Iglesias (that would be me): I bet Enrique will get me on stage and kiss me…
She: Maybe he invites me. I am gonna wear a very pretty dress, I am sure he will notice me!
Lavinika Iglesias (this was my Yahoo Messenger ID for years!): A dress to a concert, really? Anyway, I will be wearing something red! So he will notice me, not your pretty dress! And after he kisses me, he will ask me to go to his room after the concert! Ha!
She: Don’t tell me you would accept to go to his room if he asked you!!!
Lavinika Iglesias (Ok, this is still my Yahoo Messenger ID, I am very serious about my fantasies): Don’t tell me you wouldn’t!!!
She: Of course not! I would feel offended! Maybe I would accept him taking me out for drinks. Maybe!
Lavinika Iglesias (still laughing at my nickname? really?): If he asked me out for a drink, I would be like: Porfavor Enrique, skip the drinks and start offending me! Till morning, mi amor!
She: This is outrageous! And cheap!
Well…anyway, I missed the concert due to a health problem and my friend, that by no means would have gone to Enrique’s room, few days after the talk above took place, went to Dubai with a foreigner she barely knew. But…whatever…
Back to real life, at one point, my greatest fantasy was to do it like in the movies. Go to a club, pick up a random guy, take him home, have my way with him and send him home. I have no explanation why this seemed so cool to me. Maybe because my first one night stand was very unsuccessful, as two weeks after the random sex I kind of moved in together with the guy.
So, a long while ago, one evening, as I was single again after a long relationship, I decided it is high time for me to make my fantasy come true. I dressed up and went to a club with some friends. One thing is very difficult in my town: to find a random guy. Even if we don’t know each other, at least half of the people we know, know each other.
Therefore, I decided to pick a guy I knew by sight but I had never talked to. I decided he also had to be good looking. Ok, once I had my wish list done, I started scanning the men around. I found my victim within five minutes, I started the flirting, two hours later we were in my bedroom closing the deal.
Everything went according to the plan. I came out of the bathroom ready to ask him if he needs me to call a cab for him or something. But the dude was fast asleep. I yelled, I screamed, I called him names. Nothing. It was impossible to wake him up. Fuck! And he was snoring like hell. Worst one night stand ever!
I managed to fall asleep eventually. At 9 am I woke up frightened, realizing my dad said he would stop by to drop something. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I tried to wake up the one night stand again. No chance. If he hadn’t been snoring like that, I would have thought he is dead.
So I called my dad:
“Hey, don’t drop by. I am very tired.”
“Come on, I won’t disturb you. I just leave something in your kitchen and leave. I can come right now, since you are awake.”
“No, I am not awake, I mean I am, but I am going back to sleep right now. Just don’t come!”
He hang up on me, really mad and I gave a very dirty look to the dude sleeping so peaceful and loud in my bed. Worst one night stand ever! Ever ever!
He finally woke up at 2 pm! And he showered! And he made breakfast! God! All the time I was like, hey I have a busy day! He was like, sure, do your thing, I make you breakfast in the meantime! Then I was like: I think you should leave, really. He was like: Don’t be silly. I didn’t have my coffee yet.
Worst one night stand ever! Like EVER!
He finally left at fucking 5 pm. I swear, by that time, I lost hope he would ever leave. I was about to clean up some drawers for him, honestly. I felt so relieved when he finally left, you have no idea. I had that amazing feeling one can only have when they pee after holding it for a very, very long time.
Next day he called me/texted me/facebooked me/came by. And brought me flowers. Seriously, dude? Remember the good old times when a one night stand meant wham bam thank you mam? Can we please, go back to that?Worst one night stand in history. Total fail.
Now, I am actually afraid to have sexual fantasies. The problem with fantasies is that I don’t keep them in the fantasy stage. I have to try to make them happen and I always screw up. So no more sexual fantasies for me. Except for the Enrique fantasy. I think I will stick to Enrique fantasy forever. I have very few chances to screw that one up as I have very few chances (read none) to make it happen.