It is obvious that you are now reading the most influential blog in the entire universe and probably in all the parallel universes too. It is official, I am cooler than Obama, Oprah and Ellen all together. I made the Pope resign, for god’s sake. It is the first time a Pope resigns and it was because of me. And because of his dumb idea to join Twitter. I didn’t even have to harass him that much, in fact I only tweeted that letter once. But it was enough.
He probably escalated this issue to God, his boss, complaining about this Romanian chick that is giving him hard time in keeping the business going. And God was like (and I quote, this will be an essential part of the future holly scriptures, so you better pay attention):
God: “What chick are you talking about, Pope? Lavinia? She is my greatest accomplishment ever. I had started my work on her on Day 1 of creation and I wasn’t done until 1980. I even finished creating Jesus in between, so…you do the Math. I am thinking to making her immortal so that all generations from now till the apocalypse comes can enjoy her. No, I don’t know when the fucking apocalypse is gonna be, stop asking me that. Probably one morning I will wake up in a very bad mood and I will be out of coffee and I will look down and end this shit, because honestly, you, humans, are losing it big time. So, Pope, you need to choose, either you resign, or I fire you. Make up your mind and make it quick. I don’t have time for this shit, I have a planet to run, as far as you know and an entire universe, as far as I know.”
I don’t know if you are aware of the divine protocol. Basically, getting fired by God means to die. So Pope thought about it for a while. That was when he was on his dead bed. Then he decided that he still has some years to live and he wants to see how Californication ends and maybe he will be lucky enough to catch the apocalypse live and die like a hero, praying. So he resigned. You are all welcome.
P.S. If the next Pope is black and gay and young, I will give him a break. I will even be supportive, I promise.