I don’t let anything kill me

keep-calm1Last week I spent some time with a friend. He has a very demanding job, he is a tour manager. When we met, he was on tour for fifteen days, with four bands, nineteen people in total. They still had eight more days to go before their tour ended.

They spent all the time in a tour bus, stopping for shows every day in a different city, in a different country even  and were on the road again. And my friend is managing them, taking care of them, almost babysitting them.

I admit, a job like this would have me banging my head against a wall within days. Yet, he is calm like a butterfly. I asked him how he does it, as I envy peaceful people and I want to know their secrets. Or their meds. He gave me the most simple and beautiful answer: “I don’t let anything kill me”.

His reply stuck to my brain ever since. I keep wondering what am I doing wrong. And I think I know.

I don’t let anything kill me either. But I fight everything: life, thoughts, feelings. I do let things take their natural course, but I over think everything. And this is pretty much like fighting. In the end, even if I win, I am exhausted.

Fighting everything feels like it’s killing me slowly as we speak but to be fair, it is what kept me alive and made who I am today.

I grew up in an aggressive, dysfunctional family, being emotionally abused from an early age. The neighbors and the people my parents knew were pretty much the same: uneducated, sodden by poverty and alcohol. From about 30 kids in my building, I think only three of us went to university.  The rest of them got married at the end of high school, more or less.

My parents didn’t teach me anything good. In fact, over time I had to change many things about me; things I had due to the education I got from them, because they were wrong, stupid and anti-social. Growing up, I had no role models, no one to look up to, no one to be a positive influence on me. As a defense probably,  I tried to be different from everyone I knew, especially from my parents. Basically, I have spent an important part of my life time trying not to be a various number of people, that I sometimes wonder, isn’t it possible to have lost myself on the way?

I will probably spend my entire lifetime looking for myself, this will be my curse, I am aware of it. For now, it seems like the fighting never ends. As a child I fought my cruel reality, as an adult, I have to fight the pain of the wounds my childhood fights caused me. I don’t regret I fought those fights. I have come a long way and I wasn’t even supposed to get that far. Everything was against me, from the very beginning. So, maybe, I don’t let anything kill me either. And I never did. I just do it differently.

20 thoughts on “I don’t let anything kill me

  1. easyweimaraner says:

    I agree with you: the fighting never ends. But your quote: I don’t let anything kill me! is one of the best. THANKS for sharing with me…. and I feel sorry for your sad childhood. Every child should have a good one …


  2. Cuvânta says:

    Hei, don’t fight anymore, just try to take things as they are. Don’t blame your parents or your neighbours because they were poor and alcoholic. They lost some battels, of course, but not the entire war! You are the proof of their succes!
    You wouldn’t be an interesting author if you did’t have the expericences you had as a child. And having babies at an early age is not bad at all, just hard. But having babies is hard at any age. 😀


    1. Lavinia says:

      It’s easier said than done. And I think what I am is not because of what happened to me. What I have become is despite of what happened to me. I would have been a much better person if I had a fair start in life. I have overcome putting blame on people but I still think it is not fair. And I am not against having kids while you are young, I am against having kids because is the next thing to do, while you are not ready to be a parent. Like my parents did. Children are the most wonderful creatures on this planet, it hurts me deeply when I see them scarred for life by unfit parents. Kids are a lifetime job and more. One shouldn’t become a parent just because they can.


  3. rebecca2000 says:

    Stop fighting life. You are not doomed. I had a childhood from hell myself and I refused to accept anything but happiness. I want that for you too. You’re blessed with brains and beauty along with compassion and a huge heart, focus on that. I am glad that I found you on here. 🙂


    1. Lavinia says:

      Thank you for your support, Becca. I know I am not doomed, worse things happen to people and they make it. As for stop fighting life, I am in the process of changing my ways. I hope it is not gonna be a long one. I also refuse to accept anything else but happiness. Thanks for your kind words, you are always so nice to me. I am glad I found you here too:)


      1. Doggy's Style says:

        Becca is not only funny and sexy but also wise, so I’ll make her words mine because I couldn’t find anything smarter to say.
        And please count me in, I wanna get naked for a sexy doctor without him asking me to or even being necessary.


    1. Lavinia says:

      Thank you! I have found a lot, indeed but with every piece I found, I feel like ten more are missing. I guess I just have to enjoy the journey and not think of the destination 🙂


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