Interstellar – A Review

I saw Interstellar last week and now it’s time for a review. I know I should have done it earlier but I had to wait for my brain cells to regenerate after watching the film. It was a hard one. And long. Hard and long and I am still talking about the film, mind you.

I forgot everybody’s name already but it’s ok because so will you. There’s no way you can keep up with what’s going on on the screen. I even thought of taking notes but by the time I reached for my bag about 1 billion light years had passed and half of the people were dead and the other half on another dimension. Or something.

The film starts with Matthew McSomething (I don’t know how to spell his last name) wearing too much skin foundation, driving around like a crazy man hunting down a plane. Some of the driving happens in a corn field with zero visibility and all the time I was thinking why does he hate his children and where are the Social Services when you need them.

You know how usually the beginning of the movie hints to what happens next? Well, I honestly thought they were gonna fly to space to find a way to increase their corn crop, the corn is everywhere. What do people do with so much corn? How much corn can you eat? Can you live exclusively on corn? These were the questions hunting me while watching the beginning of Interstellar.

Then things happen with books falling out from the shelves in the daughter’s bedroom. Murph is her name, I can’t believe I remembered! Wow!

She says it’s a ghost, her dad says it’s gravity and he looks amazed (which made me think things were going wrong with gravity on the planet, yet everyone seemed to be benefiting from gravity). Isn’t gravity that thing that keeps you on the ground and makes your boobs and bottom hang?

Anyway, Murph was always taking weird notes in a notebook that seemed infinite (it never ended!) and she discovered that the books were falling in an orderly fashion, sending her messages. Which took them to a hidden NASA base (NASA was not allowed to legally exist anymore so they were doing the space stuff in secret).

One thing leads to another, a lot of science talk happens which reminded me of the science classes I took in school and never paid attention to, I felt sorry for the actors as I assumed they had no idea what they were talking about and boom, here they go, up to space, to explore some planets to start a human colony. Apparently the Earth was covered in dust or something.

They went through a worm hole next to Mars and got to Saturn really quick and then they started exploring. They were tight with time because an hour on that planet was like seven years on Earth and McSomething was keen to go back to his kids before they died of old age.

On one of the planets they almost got crushed by huge waves (all water and no beaches). On the next planet there was a forever winter and I felt like telling them not to waste their time exploring that one because if Earth was in danger I would refuse to move on a snowy planet. No thank you. Can you imagine paying a heating bill all year round and God knows how long years on that planet would be? I am sure they said it but my brain was already frying by then. It happens when too much science talk hits my ears.

They met another explorer there, they woke him up from his nap (they were taking years long naps in bags under the water, by the way), he tried to kill McSomething and take over the ship but the idiot actually opened the door to the ship when up in space and of course he blew up. I am no spaceman but I swear I would never open the door of a spaceship when out in the space. I know that much! By the way, this idiot was actually Matt Damon and I was sorry he was all wrapped up in that suit because I like his bottom.

Now, moving on. Lots of things happen to fast for me to follow and next thing I know, McSomething is going back to Earth by foot or so it seems. He doesn’t get too far, he ends up in a parallel world with several dimensions. Long story short, he is hiding behind the book shelves in his daughter’s bedroom and actually he is the one pushing down the books to send messages to his daughter. Creepy as hell. His daughter finally understands what is going on, they communicate through a posh watch, using Morse and they meet up years later on a space station. McSomething is over one hundred years old but looks the same, still too much foundation and his daughter is like 90 years old and dying.

The movie ends with McSomething stealing a spaceship and going back to space to find the spacewoman he left behind with a bunch of embrios, to find a way to start a colony.

And if they are going to make a sequel I am definitely not gonna see it.

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